TRUTH BEHIND THE RAIN

When I saw the rain, I felt there was my mom’s spirit beside me. My heart said that my mom was not far from me. She was smirking and hugging me tightly. Therefore, when it was raining, I went to open the curtains and stood up to look at it. Like today, the rain came down at midnight. I woke up and opened the window to let my body blown by the air. I was still wearing my blue pajamas given by my mom on my birthday 3 years ago. It was heavy rain with a storm that could kill my ears. But I wasn’t frightened as I believed that my mom was always by my side.

Lightning struck the earth, it was like flames in the sky, which was followed by the sound of the thunder that could break my ears. I closed my ears. But again, I wasn’t afraid of it because I knew that my mom was always by my side.

“Odi, are you awake?” My father suddenly appeared and got into my bedroom. I looked him flat. Frankly speaking, I hated my father. He was always being rude to my mom. What a cruel father!

“Leave me, please!”

He came closer and hugged me from behind, then whispered, “Please, stop staring at the rain!” Dad felt surprised with my utterance.

“What does he mean? Doesn’t he know that the rain is more important than him?” I said to myself.

“No way!” I snapped while moving away his hand from my shoulder.

“I just don’t want you keep dreaming about Lucy. I know you miss her more than anything. I miss her too and I have decided to not fall in love with another woman, but we have to move on to accept her death. ” He explained.

“Stop telling me another lie, Dad!” I looked him sharply.

I knew he was good at making a lie. During this time, who liked to make mom cried? Daddy! What did my mom always complain about? Daddy! Who liked to make mom dropped off her tears? Daddy! And now, he said he loved her? What a stupid liar!

Afterwards, I preferred to lay down on my bed and curled up in the blanket. Dad had a seat next to me. I didn’t know what he was thinking about. “I am sorry my son for all what I have done. I know it’s so difficult to deal with the fact of Lucy’s death.” He said with a soft tone. Nevertheless, I didn’t care about what he said. “Leave me please, Dad!” I said soundless.

“Get a sleep, now! The rain has stopped.” He muttered, then walked out of my bedroom.

“Wait!!!!” I shouted. I had stopped his walk who almost exited from my bedroom.

“Why, dear?” He went back to get close with me.

“I have got the answer of my suspicion.” I sat in front of him.

He felt surprised. “What do you mean?”

“During this time, you acted you knew nothing about mom’s death. You did like an angel to me, but in fact you’re not much different with a demon.” I said with a high tone. I understood I was not supposed to talk with this way to a man called a biological father.

“Tell me why you say that! I don’t get you!” My dad responded as if he knew nothing what was happening. 

“Do we have another topic to talk to? It’s always about mom’s death. Nothing else! I have been looking for the truth and eventually I came across an answer that mom wouldn’t jump out of this apartment without a cause. She must have a potent reason why she did such a suicide. And that’s because of you, Paul!”

Dad opened his both eyes resembling someone who just got a heart attack. He came to a silence after that. He was like deeply thinking something complicated. “Odi, can you stop for a second to talk about Lucy? It hurts my heart indeed. You totally kill me with such past memory!” Dad said and I didn’t want to hear that. What I wanted was his recognition of mom’s killer as that could at least recover my pain.

“And please stop lying to me, Dad! Did you think I never knew that you kept fighting with mom? Did you think I never knew that you liked to mock mom and made her tearful? I always pretended to sleep when she was crying and I exactly remembered what she always expected to. She expected you to be nicer to me and her. I was just like a stupid boy at that time as I had no power to fight with you even though I knew mom was so desperate. And I was so stupid to let you tortured mom as what you wanted to.”

I could see how he felt surprised for a thousand times because of me. Her lips trembled as it was difficult to spell out what to say to defend himself. Now, he busted!

I happily smiled. Seemingly I had been able to put off his mask and more importantly, I successfully made mom happy in heaven. It’s like a revenge that I needed to overcome to investigate her death. She might not come to earth but at least her death was not a mystery anymore. My deepest heart revealed that she didn’t do suicide because she wanted to, but there must be a situation directing her to do so.

“Dad, look at the rain? You must know why I like it so much.” I teased him about the rain that came down again to earth.

“I know a lot about you.” He said briefly.

“Yes, the rain knows the moment when mom died. It was downpour with strong thunderclaps, then mom jumped out of this apartment. You know that, right? How sad am I? I love her more than anything. Even if I have to choose between dad and mom who I love more, of course I choose mom.”

“Enough, Odi! Enough! Stop it all!” He snapped and showed his anger while pointing at me.

Good! This was what I wanted, he was angry. Even I hoped he punched over my face. Next, I walked around him who was standing while smirking cynically. “Are you angry with me? I am not scared of you at all.”

Dad sat on my bed and adjusted her breath to get ready of talking to me. “I know what’s on your mind and I can read that. You are very sure that I cause Lucy dead, aren’t you?”

“So, do you blame another person who killed mommy?” I started to feel angry.

“I don’t blame anyone here. I just want we don’t discuss this matter continuously. You indirectly make me feel guilty constantly. Do you know about that?” He explained without looking at my face, yet I was staring at him.

The situation turned silent. I myself confused what to say anymore. Then, it occurred unpredictably that the lamp in my bedroom went off whereas nobody turned it off. Then, it turned on again. Not long after that, it turned off and on again and again. There was even like big air getting into my bedroom through the window. I gasped to see it. I felt dizzy and started thinking of my mom who was here with the air that took her in. She was the one who played with the lamp.

“Mom? Mom? Mommy? I know you are here. I know you come to me! Mom?” I shouted as loud as possible without caring anything that might get annoyed by me. Dad was shocked with what I was doing.

“Odi, calm down! Calm down, please!” Dad shouted too. He tried to stop me calling mom. I didn’t understand what he actually wanted, so I didn’t really care about him. I pushed him down. I ran to the window and opened it. I shouted again, “Mommy…!” I could feel now how heavy the rain was.

I lift my feet up above the window. I forgot that I was at the height of five thousand feet from the apartment. I was not afraid of getting slipped and I died. Damn! My dad pulled me forcibly. He carried and threw me on the bed and I kept shouting my mom.

“Stay there! Don’t do that anymore! Understand!” Dad snapped.

That expression! Yes, that was the expression what exactly daddy showed to mom. And now he did to me? Would he kill me? I got up and challenged him. I attempted to push him and get him away. Dad slapped me straight away.

“Oh my God! I am sorry Odi. I am really sorry. I didn’t intend to do that.” Dad murmured.

I didn’t want to cry to show Dad that I was lame, but I did. I dropped off my tears from both of my eyes. Dad came closer and hugged me directly. “Sorry, Odi!” Dad cried too. We cried together in serenity. Yet, I certainly believed that he cried because he had slapped me.

“Dad, you can go! Leave me alone!”  I tried to move away his hand from my shoulder.

“Wait me here! There is something I need to talk about.” He said seriously then left me. I didn’t even look at his face.

Not long after that, dad was back. He held a piece of paper that I had never seen before.

“Let’s us talk about this temperately.” He said while having a set on my bed which got cold because of the rain.

“This is the reason why I fought a lot with Lucy when she was still alive.” Then, he handed that letter to me. I grabbed and read it carefully.

The letter was kind of a doctor’s diagnosis that I myself didn’t understand. I questioned about the letter.

“What is this?” I asked.

“I am sorry, Odi. I should have talked about it to you before and you should know that I never hate you and Lucy either.

“Just tell me straight away, I don’t want to hear your confession.”

“It is your diagnosis.”

“What???”

“Lucy and I have brought you to a psychiatrist. You’ve got a psychoneurotic. You are mentally disordered. Lucy wanted you to stay in a mental home. She forced me to do that till you got recovered. I fully rejected it, I disagreed with the idea of putting you there. Did you know? That’s the reason why I quarreled a lot with Lucy.”

What? How come? He must lie to me! Did mom want to stay in a mental home? My mind went raged into anger. I saw Dad with a blank stare and I tried to calm down myself and kept disbelieving upon the truth said by my Dad.

“So, who killed my mom?”

“It’s you, Odi!”

I suddenly got a sore throat. I was like buried lively by him. What did he mean to? Did he blame for something even I didn’t know?

“You accused me, Dad!”

“That’s the truth! You raged violently and brutally pushed Lucy to fall out from this apartment. She didn’t do suicide, but you killed her. Sorry to say this, I don’t mean to blame you.”

Me! I was a killer! I had got psychoneurotic? It’s so funny, indeed! I felt like I wanted to fly around the terrible sky outside. I forgot everything, even to spell my name. Suddenly, I felt an extreme headache and something strangled my neck. Oh, shit! I saw a demon and he was exactly in front of me.

“You! Get out! Get out from me, evil!” I shouted.

“Odi! It’s me, your dad!” I heard the demon said to me.

I didn’t have a weapon to fight for him because I was so powerless. A few minutes later, the demon turned to a clown. A super funny clown! And I laughed out. I hopped like a kangaroo and turned around like a deer. But then, that clown was not happy to me. He was like indignant over my laughter. He clutched my hand tightly and threw me to the bed.

***

I was in car with my dad. He drove me to somewhere that I didn’t know as I reluctantly questioned that.  I focused on the rain I saw from the windshield.

“Is your hand sick, Odi? Sorry, I didn’t mean to tie you like that last night.” My dad said. I didn’t give him any responses.

“Well, I am going to take you to a place where Lucy suggested. I think you are better there.” He said again while gently stroking my hair. And I was still quiet. For me, the rain outside was much more attractive than his utterances.

“This is the place!” My dad turned his car left and stopped at the parking area. I was in a place where it’s not really crowded. My dad and I got out of the car and walked into an entrance. An old woman welcomed us and took us to a big room where a doctor was seemingly waiting for our coming. My dad had a seat and started talking with him. I wasn’t really interested in what there were talking about. That’s not my business! However, my attention was on the aquarium that had colorful fish in the room.

“Odi? Do you want it?” My dad suddenly called me.

“What do you mean?” I didn’t get him at all.

Then, the doctor started to have a talk with me as if he knew me well.

“Odi, you are going to stay here for a couple of months. You will have new friends, places, and experiences for sure. Will be nice right?”

“Here? Are you crazy? Do you think I don’t know that this place is for crazy people?”  I shouted loudly.

“Shut up!” My dad seemed so angry.

“So, this is what you expect to, Dad! You want me to stay away with you with crazy people!”

“I have no any choices, Odi! This is the best thing for you. Lucy was right, you’re supposed to be here. I don’t want you hurt other people.”

I was totally shocked with what he said about him. He said literally that I was crazy and my place was here.

“You are a liar! Big liar! When do I hurt other people? Tell me when!”

“You want me to tell when? Odi, you’re the one who killed Lucy, your mom, my lovely wife! Did you know that? You don’t know because you’re mentally ill.”

“No!!!” I hated Dad. I hated him a lot. He always blamed me for anything I didn’t even do. I was so mad and I took anything what I could reach there, then I threw it away. I dragged my feet to the door and ran away. Finally, I could reach an exit door. It was downpour outside. I ran and ran as far as I could from my dad. I could see how my dad and few doctors tried to chase me after. I wouldn’t stop to run until I was sure that they were not behind me. I didn’t care what was happening to my surrounding. I crossed the street eventually and at that time I felt like I was hit by a very hard object. I felt numb. My skeleton was most likely broken. I felt cold and everything started turning to dark. “Is this the end of my life?” I asked to myself. Surprisingly, I saw a woman who I really knew well. She was my mom. She came and clutched my hand and we were heading to a quiet place and left my Dad.